Friday, December 31, 2010

I'm Changing My Name to Starla and Auditioning For WWF Smackdown

Some women love nursing.

La Leche League will tell you how amazing it is for your baby, that it is bonding. If you care about your baby, it's what you should do. You are a terrible person if you don't. That's right, why bother to carry a baby nine months if you don't breastfeed. Ten thousand organizations say you should nurse at least 12 months. The Nutrition! The Antibodies! The Perfect Biological Match! You need to do it. You have to.

But if you can't, formula is fine. We don't want to guilt you.


I hate people telling me what to do, but they do have some valid points.

I will point out though, how nothing really tells you how PAINFUL nursing is. You want the experience? Go into your pantry, grab a chip clip and put it on your nipples. Now twist. Repeat every two hours, whether you are sleeping or not.

Now I would bet half of my lovely female readers are dying to give me six thousand tips on how to do it the correct way. It seems to be the nature of having a child, everyone wants to give you advice.  Save your keystrokes. Me and J have it down and it's not so bad now. Although, I fully believe that I can bond just as well with bottle of formula.

There is one problem with that though.  I was ready to say, "Screw you La Leche League! Take your Lansinoh and give it to someone who wants to do this enough to get sore and bleeding nipples (Husband: Nipples can bleed? Yes, a nursing side effect, along with infections and blocked ducts and ...)." Little unbeknown to me, Mother Nature had collaborated with the League. She said nursing was my choice, but if I refused then I had to let my boobs turn into Old Faithful and soak through my clothes every hour on the hour. Maternity clothes. Because despite the fact I am wearing my pre-pregnancy jeans (YES! I don't care if you hate me, I'm too happy!), I can't wear any of my old tops because now I look like a pornstar.

Fine, I'll do this whole nursing thing. And since I'm crying, bleeding, leaking, sniffling, I might as well start drooling too so that every orifice gets to participate.

Remember how the pee stick was overly complicated for us? We managed to conquer the car seat, stroller, and crib, but the breast pump definitely baffled us. So we googled it. Well I should say husband googled it.

He will never be the same.

However, we did find the most amazing product that I have to share with you.
This is the breast pump bra (yes I think the word breast pump is awkward at best, gross at worst. Everything about this is disgusting.) Images are from, where you can get this from$28, fortunately they only sell them new.

Use it while watching tv.
Or getting ready for the day.
Or feeding your other child
Or my personal favorite, at work.

See, nursing is beautiful!


Jackijo said...

I think you have described the whole breastfeeding thing quite accurately. Those LLL books tell you there should be no pain, no cracking, no bleeding. Soreness should only last a short while?. Ha, ha. Well I am here to say they are WRONG! Some people whoops I mean women may never experience any pain at all. I hate them all. (Not really.) Thanks for being willing to say it out loud (well at least in a blog.) We are all built different and experience things differently.

By the way, I laughed so hard at the breast pump bra pictures, especially the one while at work, that hubby had to come see what I was laughing at. It looks like some new accessory that even models who have never been pregnant must wear along with their cute little cardigans, perfectly tanned bodies and flat little bellies.

Welcome to the world of motherhood!

Amy said...

I think it would have been funny to watch myself breastfeed for the first little bit. I literarly had a knee jerk reaction when litte Sprinkle latched on.

Castillo said...

I can remember when I started nursing Elizabeth how much I HATED nursing. It was her own form of torture for me every 1.5 hours. She loved to nurse and hated the bottle. She would not drink from it. It took me over six weeks before I decided that I could do it. Towards the end of nursing her I loved it, I loved the time that we spent just sit there quietly and relax. It does get better but I agree nursing is awful to start.

Lauren said...

Oh it is too true. I would never want to relive those first few weeks of nursing. It is hard. It was much easier with baby #2. Good luck and congrats!

RatalieNose said...

Again...dying. Laughing out loud. Happy that I have a couple more years till babies come along. Oh friend you are the greatest!


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