J Meets M, and some postpartum ranting

So my friend Krysten asked the million dollar question: Would I go medication free again for the delivery?

My answer: Who said anything about more kids?

Just kidding, we probably will. After having M, I remember looking down and thinking I want a bunch more of these precious little beings. And immediately thinking I was crazy because, dude, I had just got that little man out and was in no hurry to another one. Yet even sleep-deprived as I am now, I want the love explosion of having another. It's weird.

M, fresh from labor.

As for drugs or no drugs, I'm going to have to say I liked my epidural pushing experience much better than without. I didn't get the rush of oxytocin and relief when it was over like some of my friends have experienced. With J, I had to ask if I was pushing, then they handed me a baby two minutes later.

I expected an awesome recovery by skipping the epidural since that is what my hippy mamas say they love about medication-free births. I didn't feel like that happened. My sister was up and walking around two hours after but I felt like my pelvis was broken in three places and every motion hurt. Even laying in one spot for more than 15 minutes hurt. It was a week before I felt like I could really move comfortably.

In addition to that, let's just talk about after birth for a second. Sweet merciful Lord in heaven it hurts. With the epidural I had no problem with people "massaging" my uterus since I couldn't feel any pain. This time around it hurt. Bad. And it hurt bad every time he nursed. And it felt as bad for days after. And about a week later I thought I was going to die because I had an hour of never ending pain that had me bent over and doing breathing exercises. I didn't go to the hospital because I had something similar with J and it was not considered abnormal.

And they say it gets worse with each kid.  Oh joy.

Of course the morning after that I lost about three inches around my waist so it was at least productive pain.

And can we talk about nursing for a minute? First go get some sand paper and rub it all over your nipples for a few minutes, then snap a chip clip on 'em and yank for 40 minutes. Then repeat the process every two hours. Pour a half gallon of milk on your shirt while your at it. Only my love of food (500 extra calories a day for nursing moms! woot!) and my frugality (formula is how much?) keeps me doing it. That, and the pain of concrete boobs that come if you decide not to nurse. Darned if you do, darned if you don't.

I suppose the whole "better for the baby" plays a small part, but compared to my selfishness, it is a very small part. A few more extra antibodies for the kiddo doesn't mean much when your skin is cracked and bleeding. Fortunately, like high school, it eventually ends and does get better.

Anyways, here is a little video of when J came to the hospital. She wasn't particularly interested in M and thought he was her cousin Benjie. She was quite interested in the present M brought her, half-priced after season Easter basket complete with candy, doll furniture, dress up shoes, purse, gloves, crown, and jewelry.

She clip-clopped up and down the hospital hallway in her get up, much to the enjoyment of the staff. And since my potty training toddler had to poop THREE times during her visit, everyone knew the sound of those shoes. My sweet nurse was a lady of color and while checking on me heard the clopping in the hall and said, "That's your people." Made me think of my Grandma.

J also was very interested in my lunch.



J does love her brother though. She squinches up her nose, eyes, and shoulders and tells me. "He's so cute!" fairly often. Now she proclaims, "Baby M's so BIG!" presumably picked up from my conversations (he's grown almost an inch a week and doesn't fit in the newborn jammies anymore at 5 weeks.)

I've been rather impressed. I was concerned she'd accidentally love him to death trying to hold him or smother his with blankets. No problems so far. She pretty much leaves him alone. She usually doesn't like holding him since he's a fairly fussy child. She often puts on her face of empathy and declares, "Baby M's sad." She does love when I pretend to have him kick her or when we all dance together. She likes to include him in things. Like when she was doing my hair she asked if we could do his too. Today she asked if Baby M could go swimming with us. She also loves to give him a "plug," even though he doesn't really take one unless you shove it in his face for 20 minutes. J also is great at notifying me when "Baby M puked." We blame her cousins for her infant care lexicon.

Even though babies are so difficult, I adore this little one so much. There is one of the great paradoxes of life with children. You would think your love would split in half with a second kid. Instead it doubles. I found myself loving J even more than before I had M. That's in addition to the love explosion  I have for this little lump that doesn't even really interact with me yet. I can't figure out how my love capacity just grew that much. I even love my husband even more, especially when I see him holding his babies. Then I think about my mom with her 5 kids and can't even fathom how much love she is capable of now. Her heart must be gigantic!

Then I think about our Heavenly Father and how much love he has. I understand the psalm better now than before.

We truly are fearfully and wonderfully made.